Eternal Love, My Destiny

2009-09-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

Hi all my new blog can be found at http://mylife-mylove15.blogspot.com/. Enjoy! :)

2009-08-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

Time: 11:22am Mon

This is my 614th post on this blog...
i m quite amazed at myself actually because i have actually maintained
this blog or a more or less regular frequency for hmm 3 years plus? i think.
have started out a blog before this but was too lazy to maintain till i have forgotten the password ha.

Today marks the start of my full schedule in NIE.
hmm trying to make use of my long break worthwhile...

I sat here recollecting of what this blog had went through with me for the past 3 years plus. I had started this blog just when i started out my second year in NUS.
It has recorded my memories of my struggles in school, ministry, relationship, revelations and many more. it was also my place of refuge at times when i couldn't find anyone to talk to.

while fond memories are good, i can't look back to the past.
As i enter into a new phase of my life I felt that i need to put a closure to my life and since my life has been pretty closely connected to this blog, I am thinking of shifting into a new blog.

Name not yet thought of and definitely have not yet created one.
thank you for accompanying me through the reading of these entries thus far.
as i put down my past and enter into a new phase, pray for me that it will be a beautiful one.

shall reveal the name of the blog here after some time but in the mean time
i wan to say a formal bye.

signing off
peifen'09

2009-08-28T05:29:00.001-07:00

One of my fav pastime is to look at blogs
recently i went to look at some of the blogs
of my frens who are currently in a loving relationship
and i can really feel the love flowing out of them
and i just feel happy for them
to be in such a loving relationship ha.

2009-08-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

can't help feeling nervous for the things to come
and excited *like a child haha
i pray for trust from my leaders. :x

i m trying and learning to be more patient with people
to shower them with love and respect them more of who they are
as unique individuals

thot of many things lately
and i realize that what i have been through lately
has certainly caused me to be less judgmental lately.
We dun see, dun hear and neither experience what they have been through
i am less likely to pass my judgment down as before
but instead i will try to understand what they are really thinking about

i m speaking in parables... lol

2009-08-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Honestly sometimes i just feel angry at attitudes in work, any form of work.
A little appreciation, a little more explanation, a little more patience
wouldn't really hurt would it?
On the other hand, I am guilty myself of doing that sometimes.
I need to be more self conscious of that from now on.
Or could it be my passion for doing all these has been declining? -.-'

i dun know... i hope not...

2009-08-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Time check:: 1:04am mon night

am not very good with finance
the only thing i know is to save
and it's hard when there are so many things i wanted to buy. :x
this month i had splurge on quite a lot of things
my specs, haircut, new stationary etc

went down to NUH earlier on
about an hr plus after we reached, jace's dad passed away.
i feel her quite a bit
it's like only earlier this year that i was in the same position as her.
but she's much stronger than i m.
i kept much emotions to myself but she chose to find support in her frens.
i had 5 mths to say goodbye and i love you to papa
jace only had less than 5 days and her dad was unconscious throughout.
why do things like this happen? no one know
we can only move on...

my hair is significantly lighter now..
getting sleepy now...

2009-08-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

Time: 3:03pm thurs

Hasn't been blogging for a long time...
i caught up to 4 movies in the recent wk. haha
the proposal, G.I.Joe, UP and Where got ghost
(i can hear vanessa saying peifen you got a lot of time lol)

enjoyed UP the most
in fact i like PIXAR movies
maybe i shld start collecting all the animations they had produced.

NIE is ok so far because my CS subjects have not yet started
i m so not looking forward to the 5 hr break that i will have in sch on some days. :(

planning to go korea at year end
and bintan in oct.

so wanna go overseas... haha...

2009-08-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Time check: 10:05am thursday

Just finished morning pm at JW
and before i start reading my txt book. thot that it would be good to be able to
pen down a few thoughts.

caught G.I.Joe and UP this week.
both were pretty good movies but UP expectedly left a deeper impression in me.
There were 2 scenes that got etched to my mind.
Firstly was when the boy was confiding into the old grandpa
and said that all he was sharing are boring things
yet it is the boring things in life that he remembered doing.

Secondly was when the old grandpa realized that his wife added photos of their everyday life
into the 'Stuff I am going to do' page and end off by thanking him that
it has been a great adventure with him in this lifetime.

In many of our lives we have always been seeking for the spectacular things to do.
But yet at the end of the day it is the daily activities that we often find ourselves missing the most.
For example when my dad passed away it is the buying of newspaper for the family every night,
taking out the rubbish bags to throw, driving me to sch every morning w/o fail
that i find myself missing them.

I think that it is a bliss to be able to spend a long and fruitful life with the person you love most in the world. When you find such person, you realized every day with him/her is a day that you look forward to and everything that both of you went through is like living out an exciting adventure.

Life is an exciting journey with You and you. :)

2009-08-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

P.R.O.C.R.A.S.T.I.N.A.T.I.O.N

is probably my life's biggest nemesis. Sigh.
Firstly I just want to say Congrats to my good fren Wan Xiu.
She got attached to Cat King - Elvis recently haha
and she's drowning in happiness most of the time. lol

i felt so nua at this time...
argh... not good...
was surfing youtube and found my fav song for last year.
couldn't find a good mtv cause i think this song is not like very popular.

i felt happy to be earning my pay nowadays
my biggest joy comes when i can finally give my mom some cash!
haha i look forward to be giving her every month
in fact tat's like the first thing i do every month when my pay comes in.
felt good to be able to bless her in some ways. :)

O and my fav superhero is superman!
He is like so cool haha.

2009-08-04T21:14:00.002-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates
tho i m not exactly sure who am i saying sorry to haha
ever since i took away my cbox i m not sure who is still reading my blog lol

life's been great
just finished a hectic weekend of fop and church anni.
i m sad to say that i felt completely exhausted at the end.
nvr felt that way except for Asia Conference.
think i need to build up my stamina.

Due to the nature of my duty
i almost missed the entire anni svc
except the video and the children church performance and bits of pst's sermon.
come to think of it
i have been in city harvest since Dec 2001. (was only an infrequent visitor to Hollywood)
coming Dec would been my 8 yrs.
and since then my life has been transformed and changed by one Man and one God - Jesus :)
Love Him loads. :)
been in usher ministry since July 2003 which means 6 yrs had passed.
made many great frens, learn on how to serve Him in a greater capacity. moulded my character
and most imptly meet him.

Life's a journey and I am on a bus called Life.
I have been to some fantastic and some not so fantastic stops.
and i m looking forward to my future.
God's my driver and i m not alone in this bus.
i know he will be with me through every single part of my journey. :)

2009-07-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today is a day filled with many thoughts
i spent the day in a pretty slack manner.
slacked around in the house till evening
before meeting joyce in town.

it was a nice session
we discussed pretty tough issues
and as usual there was no answer to what we discussed. lol
maybe tat's y i m so into science and maths rather than humanities
because there are no right and wrong ans most of the time unlike science.

been in a thinking mode ever since i reached home...
it's already 1:58am and my mind is still whirling with thoughts haha
at times i wished i could be a simple girl with simple thoughts :) lol

2009-07-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

Movie reviews from Sunshine Cleaning

This isn't really a typical movie
with a straightforward plot.
i was expecting a comedy
but it's really a show with dark humor. haha

Not going to describe the whole movie
but perhaps a scene which i can relate really well.
Nora or Dora one of the female lead climbed up all the way to the bottom of a railway track.
When the train passed by up above her, she screamed and cried in the midst of the loud noise.
Her mind brought back flashbacks of how she witnessed her mom commiting suicide years ago.

I can relate because tat's similar to what i did as well.
i remembered going way up to a hidden place in SGH to cry when i first heard about the news.
i remembered going to the female washroom, locked myself up in a cubicle and cried.
i remembered screaming as hard as I could with no voice coming out because i was in a public place.

When you lose someone like that
you never really recover
we just learn how to cope with it
and move on.

2009-07-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

Brother wrote this in his blog

July 10, 2009
Regrets
I miss my Dad...if time can turn back!I regrets not trying hard to help him...spent time with him!Now that he's gone...it's all too late!It just happened too fast...accept...no...yes...it's all too late...I want to spend more time with him...but it's all too late...i now only have regrets and uselessness in my heart....

i think it echoes my heart. even as i m typing down this i m tearing. i know time heals and because of this sometimes i m scared that once enough time has passed, i might think of him less and memories of him will fade...

argh how to stop the tears now...

2009-07-23T03:57:00.000-07:00

Time check: 6:57pm on a Thurs evening

Today was my second last day in school
which means that tom will be my last day!
Met up with the principal in the afternoon with 2 other trainees.
was sharing with her what i have taken away with my experience
and i m quite surprised that she feels that it's good.

i m happy that yunru passed her test as well.
now the 3 of us can go to NIE in august!
only starting sch on the 11th of august
which means 2 wks of hols!

feeling quite sleepy now...

2009-07-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

i jus wish time would pass faster
because i m convinced that my future will be a good one. :)

2009-07-15T09:29:00.001-07:00

I didn't think I can experience a love so great till I meet God.
I didn't think I will have a chance to experience a love so true till I meet you.

2009-07-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Time: 10:48pm

hasn't been exactly been a faithful blogger ha...
quite a bit of things has happened since the last time i blogged.

LOA ended and i was back to sch on monday.
I started to take the whole class on my own of course with the help of my buddy and mentor teachers as well.
Ain't easy i realize to teach effectively in a class of about 40 students.
Still have tons to learn!

wanted to get an i phone last sun b4 my convo
but the queue was simply crazy...
so decided to order one online instead...

received many pretty flowers and a big bear during my convo.
cg, bea, ade, huierl, wanyun, jeff, yonghui and clark were there.
truly treasure every one of them from my heart. :)

feeling very lethargic now due to the cold...

2009-07-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

saw a dress at the Central with ruth jus now...
looks really pretty
but the price is quite pretty too at $289!
haha
we then went over to far east
but pretty disappointing
din really see anything i like...

had my convocation last wed
and there's one more this coming sunday
i m excited for the sun as well
because i will have my frens coming down to support ha
wed is all my relatives and mom

peifen is happy and loved :)

2009-07-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

am LOA from sch for 5 days
but still got some work to clear...
hopefully i can do it well! :)

i shldn't have went to see someone's blog...
esp their old posts
i thot it's over
but still it saddens me to see some of the comments
wondering why...

anyway in general i m still happy most of the time
grad coming tom and sun!

2009-07-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

I think human are really complex creatures.
sometimes they mind a certain behaviour from someone
but yet more than often they are also committing something similar.
It's both contradicting and irony.

Today it's the 4th day of my teaching experience thus far.
everything's going quite smoothly
but i realize i really had a lot to learn about being a teacher.
The things that i m doing now
i think it's only a tip of the ice berg...

went for prawn fishing on tuesday.
a nice experience for a novice fisherman like myself.
i really enjoy it.
will upload the pics of my catch as soon as i can. :)

2009-06-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

Time check: 10:53am

going for my first lesson at 11:15am later!
frankly i m quite nervous as i m not sure
if they will make fun of my surname...
haha

hmm didn't manage to go off at 1pm like what i was hoping for
but all in all
i enjoyed the things so far

am tasked to give a classroom presentation next wk
this will be an attempt to create something out of scratch
i have already started part of the preparation.
pray that it will be good!

graduation is coming up next wk!
8th & 12th july both at 3pm at UCC
if you are coming to support me
pls do not come at 3pm straight
because i will be in the ceremony
and i m not sure if it will be opened up to the public.

reading fireproof now. nice book :)

2009-06-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

Time: 12:48 midnight

i dread tom...
it's going to be a long day...
being posted to Greenridge sec sch...
not sure what to expect over there
but i guess i will go with an open heart. :)

i m not very sure if i shld continue to blog publicly
after going to classes...
or maybe i shld just blog about neutral matters
just in case the students doesn't get mistaken about anything.

tom is a long day...

2009-06-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

work is starting soon
ha my frens would have heard this from me many times
but truth to be told
it hasn't really started so much yet...

am apprehensive of the schedule
but hopefully i will still have a lot of free time
haha.

pray for me!

2009-06-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

New moon is coming out!

have seen like 4 different movies last week.

am waiting for Transformers, Harry potter and New moon. :)

2009-06-21T10:13:00.001-07:00

the fuse of the lights in my room got burned off...
light not working...
but no one knows how to change. -.-'
been too relying on my father in the past...

starting my NIE registration tom.
finally started...
shld i stay in the hall? thinking hard...

2009-06-20T08:20:00.001-07:00

July is coming soon.
so thot of looking back at the first few months of the year.

this year hasn't been a good year so far
i lost my dad in march
i ended my 3.5 yrs of relationship in may.
not just many things happening.
but permanent losses that i could never do anything about them anymore.
i have gotten over my relationship
but the loss of my father lingers in my heart...

but i believe God is faithful.
there were times i wanted to give up totally
but i still want to stay behind to say that He who loves me is faithful.
i love You Lord
i m believing for my latter half of the year to be better. :)

2009-06-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

hmm have been thinking abt owing an i touch or i phone for like mths...
in the end i decided to take a risk to own an i phone...
then i phone 3GS came out!

so decided to hold the plan to own one i phone first.
but also thinking if it will be more ex?
hmm
i heart (which means love if any of you people out there do not understand) the i phone 3GS!

:)

2009-06-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

Time check: 10:33am

jus woke up and still feel sleepy... haha
trying to energize myself haha...

went to ECP on wed
and it's the first time in my life that i got into 2 bike accidents...
one was at the front the other at the back.
the front one was relatively minor.. just a light bump
it's the one at the back that is quite 'damaging' ha
initially the bruises looks ok
but after some rubbing
it looks quite big and black now...
haha
i hope they go away soon!

i couldn't find my previous vcd on mars
but i finally found the dvd version in TS.
and it's only for 9.95 :)

happy :)

2009-06-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

Time check: 11:25am on a tuesday morning

O man... i had a long sleep! haha
so i m feeling quite happy in the morning already.
went for dim sum with jean, bea n huierl
then k with jus bea n huierl
i really sing to my fill as there were only 3 of us.

we sang one of the songs above
and i really like it.
it sounds very happy
and i like the doraemon guitar played by jay in the mv!

in general i feel quite up these few days
very much like the tune in the song. haha

waiting for Nianying to come to my house now...
miss her from korea. :)

2009-06-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

my bruise seems to be getting bigger... :x
pain pain... haha

went to catch hannah montanna today.
nice movie.
i esp like the part which hannah after facing some setbacks sang a song to her father
that she has composed.
rem of my parents' love for me.
i wish i can sing a song to my dad now...
i miss him and there's nothing i can do abt missing him...
i can only love mummy more now...

You tucked me in
Turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that
Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me every where
You were always there when I looked back
You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be
And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me
Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away
(Hold)
Butterfly fly away(butterfly fly away)
Got your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true
(Hold)
Butterfly fly away(butterfly fly away)
You've bin waiting for this day
All along and known just what to do
(Hold)
Butterfly x3
Butterfly fly away
(Hold)
Butterfly fly away
(Hold)
Butterfly fly away

this week had been a tiring but fulfilling week...
first time that i went for all the pms in one week!
encounters with God made me feel His love all over again. :)

Time check: 1:06am after church wide BS

i am zzzinnnngggggg away....

2009-06-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Quote from Lance Armstrong: -

"Pain is temporary, it may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

Life is short
Break the rules
Forgive quickly
Love truly
Laugh constantly
And never stop smiling
No matter how life turns out to be
Life is not always the party we expected to be
But as long as we are here, we should try to smile and be grateful
Cherish life and be your best!

2009-06-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Anybody wan to come for my commencement ceremony in July? :)
I will be having 2 graduation ceremonies.

1st Home faculty (Science)
on the 8th July 2009 at 3pm

2nd University Scholars Program
on the 18th July 2009 at 3pm

Both would be held at university cultural center (UCC). :)

this would mark the end of my 4 years studies in NUS...
frankly i dun feel as excited as i would wan it to be...
mainly because my dad wun be ard to see it...
o well.....

if you would like to come down you can let me know
or give me a surprise! :)

Finally i got my package from MOE...
hol ending soon...
work is starting soon... -.-'

has been sleeping very little these few days...
with morning pm & sot following after
and today there's leaders' meeting at the end

today's pm was really good
could feel the presence of God strongly and reminded of His promises

next week is also going to be good from the things i have planned. :)

2009-06-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

i miss my father...
i m feeling quite bored...
then again i m only left with 1 week of holiday...

i wish my life can skip out of this monotonous tone.
hmm be filled with surprises
and definitely more joy and love.

i blog pst kong's name just for fun on google
and there is this one guy
who just keep slamming my church
in an effort to stop people from being led astray.

my initial rxn is to be on the defensive position
to write a long letter back to him.
but then again what good would it do?
We'll just wait and @@ i guess
because at the end of the day, in front of God
we will have to answer for our actions.
I wonder what God will say to him?

even Jesus faced opposition from Pharisees
the Pharisees even claimed that He cast out demon because He is on the devil side.
O well no wonder he can only maintain a blog
while Pst is managing the lives of so many others
This is a biased entry i know
but I still feel my pst rocks!

Sometimes i get anxious for the outcomes.
I am those kind whom i want to know and i wan to know now.
Over the years, i kind of mellow down in this area.
learning to be more patient.

I just got to remind myself that while I seek first His kingdom
i can have the peace that all things will be added upon to me! :)

2009-06-09T01:38:00.000-07:00

Just bought a new laptop (Fujitsu L series laptop) at a relatively cheap price.
Think only around 600 plus and its brand new. :)

Felt like going to a lot of places...
like prawn fishing, east coast cycling, marina barrage to see the scenery or even the flyer (tho i m not sure i would be willing to pray the price of the flyer)
-.- haha
romans and galatians is starting this week again.
trying to go for as many as i can
before i start work on 22nd june. :)
Teaching... hmm haven't been thinking much abt how the life will be like
*praying i can cope with it
because some of the reviews make teaching sounds really tough.

2009-06-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

i think this mv is really sweet...haha
sometimes i wonder if there's really someone that completes you.
i always thot there's no perfect relationship
just 2 persons who love each other to make it work.
but if that's the case...
y there are some who fail?
because one of them lost the first love?

maybe there's really someone out there who completes me.
someone who will look at me as tho i m the most precious thing in his world. :)
someone to make me feel that I am blessed everyday. :)
someone to grow old with me. :)

2009-06-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Long Long week for me last week!

tuesday was dim sum buffet with esther and huierl.
Good food and lots of variety.
wanna go back again soon.

then i went cycling and it was chair on wed...
also wanna go back again. ha

and barney for thurs to saturday.
it was really funny to see
many ppl mistake hall 2 for hall 1
there were even ushers wanting to report for duty upon seeing us at the door.

Sunday was for svc at expo because there were many things to do in the afternoon.
went for lunch at cathay followed by national museum!
frankly i m not a museum fan but that particular exhibition intro by mz was really good.
then it is to mt A. to visit huiming and zoe.
Baby! argh... they are so adorable...

then to alan's house for his housewarming.
i din realize it's so big
but his house is really cool.
QQ is also very adorable.
tho i would still prefer to live in a penthouse rather. haha

2009-06-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

" You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left"

~ Joyce gave me a very nice handmade card and a gift today. :)

~ other stuff in my heart but i figure what would it serve if i blog it out. the person whom i want to read this will not be bothered to see them anyway so i m :x.

~ saw zoe tay at the barney concert today. (PS think it's the last time i wan to do this kind of ushering unless i m really broke. haha :p)

~ i pray moe will respond faster as to if i m starting on 22nd june. can't wait to earn my first pay check and get to know more ppl!

2009-06-03T22:23:00.001-07:00

Name: Peifen
Date: 6/4/2009
Colorgenics Number: 14365207

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

In actual fact you are not willing to exert yourself in any way. You have that truly 'laid back' attitude and are unwilling to extend yourself or exert undue effort. You feel that to move forward - be it in your life style or in business relationships - would require more energy output than you are prepared to give at this time. You want to take life easy and your attitude is such that 'Enough is Enough'.

You feel that you deserve far more than is being attributed to you, but there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

2009-06-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

Time: 12:05am

went out for a long day today.
colored my hair (albeit to a wrong color), went for cycling at ECP and then down for chair arrangement.

be happy peifen. :)

2009-06-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes it get a little boring at home like now.
mum is at work, bro is in sch.

2009-06-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

"A girl wont cry easily, only when she loves you the most, she put down her ego. She cry not because she is weak, She cry not because she wants sympathy or pity, She cries, because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt, and agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside."

~ going for dim sum buffet later.
~ argh... i wanna go somewhere overseas...
seeing all the grad photos of friends overseas is making me *envious.
i just realized basically my holidays have been quite unfruitful.
haha i just keep sleeping at home. watch dvds n online show.
facebook and update my blog.
guess the only productive time is attending some of the sot lessons and serving in church.
but i m not motivated to move. haha.maybe because i m a 'S' person.

someone once told me love is a choice.
you had obviously made yours
and now it's time that i made mine. :)

2009-06-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

my fren said something to me just now
that makes me surprisingly angry.

argh...

nvm haha

2009-05-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

Here are some parts of the songs that i found meaningful. :)

~ Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
not to go back to the original road but to find a new adventure.

~ Could've loved you with all my life
if you haven't left me waiting in the cold

went to sunday JW and there's something different for me in JW church.
thinking back this has been the place that i've built my altar before God many times before when i felt like giving up, felt despaired, weak. :)

- today's a beautiful day.

- hee many things to say. but i think it will be best to remain those words in my heart. :)

2009-05-31T05:17:00.000-07:00

I saw a quote earlier on.
Love always finds a way, Indifference finds an excuse.
I guess it's quite true.

Last fri i received my NUS results.
it was really funny.
i was in sot till 1plus for pst mike's lesson.
then we were off for lunch.
at 2:50 plus we walked back to church and i was quite nervous.
sienglian was helping me to pray
and at 1500 exact i logged in and
the first words i saw were Congratulations to your graduation!
the results were better than i expected. God's grace i think.

and i found my laptop back.
the laptop which i left in expo last sunday.
technically it was beatrice who found it but i m still glad i got it back.
tks bea. :)
i think i m a scatter brain.

did traffic for both days fri and sat. fri was tougher because of the larger crowd and made some mistakes hee cause forgot some stuff abt expo.

Alas after these days, i think my heart is on its way to recovery now. :)

2009-05-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

2009-05-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

Time: 1:19am

Tired.
have been sleeping late and working up early these days.

2009-05-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

it's late at night.
it didn't really seem to get better as the days progressed.
argh how...
the worst part is knowing i haven't st** l***** yet.

i m probably sweeping a lot of things under my carpet
and i know one day they are going to resurface.

2009-05-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

it's funny how a prayer before bedtime works.

2009-05-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

i felt like a beaten soldier.
i m not even attempting to resist anything.
haha tat's how weak i m
i just let those thots ran over me.

i have always been not a very strong girl.
not very good at dealing with my emotions
and often let them get the better of me.

This time round, I dun even feel like resisting.
I felt pretty useless.

I remember there was this worship song
that says
"in the end just to hear you say well done".

and secretly i was hoping for that...
to be praised and said well done.
hmm in the end it was quite sad to hear
that the results is still the same.

Have i not prayed enough?
Have i not done enough?
Was it because i really am just not good enough?
some of the recurring thots in my mind.

I wanted to do many things
many of which i already lost the right to do them.

I wish i could be positive like my frens.
they deal with issues better than me.
i wish i could keep quiet
and just let the waves hit over me.

But i dun know wat i can do now.
it's scary to realize that the things
you hold dearly disintegrating before you.
I couldn't stop any of the events in my life.
I couldn't stop my tears as well.

I guess it's time to be submerged.
hopefully i will come about quickly.

2009-05-27T03:33:00.000-07:00

couldn't sleep well.
mind full of thots.

i think i m just a dumb girl.

2009-05-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

2009-05-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

I post so many videos... haha

2009-05-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

2009-05-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

2009-05-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

Some videos to share.

2009-05-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

2009-05-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I miss Papa.
Almost wanted to cry out loud during altar call for the lessons.
but i endure
just like i always do.

2009-05-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

Time: 10:11pm

am down with the flu Again. -.~
i passed my EPT exam!
which is good because this would means that i need not retake it and spend unnecessary money. also tk God because i act fall asleep on the listening test haha.

i also wanna go overseas~
Go overseas, go overseas, go overseas~~~
am thinking of going to somewhere real cool
it's impt to be home with mom now
but i m pinning my hopes of a good trip in Oct
during my birthday or Dec...
maybe penning it down will increase its chances of coming to pass

US
Central Europe
Aust

felt like going somewhere western ~

was in BLTC the past 1.5 months
and tom will be the last lesson. :x

i will also be in 2S1 with karen from now on.
i will also be attending romans and galatians in sot again.

2009-05-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

huierl and i are going crazy over him haha

i realize
there's no point in resisting
no point in doing a lot of things
might as well be bare with my life
and try harder to make each day a happy one.

2009-05-14T00:47:00.000-07:00

a nice bedtime song for my 'loved ones' :)

2009-05-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

i think my heart has a problem...

a very big problem

2009-05-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

i've watched Boys over flowers aka meteor garden aka as liu xin hua yuan aka hana yori dango many times many versions in many languages with many different cast.

From

The first time i got into contact with hana yori dango is the anime in 1999 in SCV and comic subsequently

then in 2001 Liu Xin Hua Yuan in Taiwan began to be super popular
and i would watch for days repeating scenes again and again

then in 2008 i finally watched the japanese version because jeff was kind to buy for the dvds

and till a few days ago the korean version of boys over flowers

it's been like 10 years? For the previous versions w/o fail i would like the main lead dao ming si or domioji better than Hua Ze Rei or hanazawa Rui.

but this time ard...

i really like the hua ze lei in the korea version!

i liked the dao ming si in the korea version more initially but Rui caught up in the middle!

argh tks to huierl i have been sleeping real late lately because of this..

2009-05-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

I have decided from today onwards

to use the name Ashley on top of my chinese name.

This was my baptism name.

but few are aware that i have this name.

2009-05-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

I think the most blessed female lead in the world belongs to 2 characters.

One is xiang qin of er zuo ju zi wen.

the other is san cai.
dun have dao ming si still have hua ze lei.

haha.

dec 2007 to may 2009
marks my stay in jw service.
no announcement, no big farewell
just fond memories of my stay there.

selfishly i hope they would always carry something of me
even tho i m going over to a new ground (or was it old ground?)

after a hard decision making process
finally decided on grp 2.

i m not sure who will be there in my new section yet
but anyone would be good for me.
guess JW has made me realize there's always great potential
in everyone if we would just give them a platform to serve.

my target is my ppl would grow
in capacity and as well as more in love with God.

God is good, JW has been good
but still looking forward for a new change in expo
like wat QN says changes are always for the better. :)

2009-05-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Time check: 10:48pm

seriously i m very tired after sat and sunday...
to the extent that i dun have much energy or interest to do anything else...

the performances for the outing was simply hilarious.
i think we can seriously fight with the drama ppl

sometimes like now i felt like i m back at the crossroad of my life
i m confused about what shld i do now.

2009-05-03T09:48:00.001-07:00

"Don't let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life... Relationships work best when they are balanced."

"Never explain yourself to any one. Because the person who likes you doesn't need it, and the person who dislikes you won't believe it."

"When you keep saying you are busy, then you are never free. When you keep saying you have no time, then you will never have time. When you keep saying that you will do it tomorrow, then your tomorrow will never come."

"When we wake up in the morning, we have two simple choices. Go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and chase those dreams. Choice is yours..."

"We make them cry who care for us. We cry for those who never care for us. And we care for those who will never cry for us. This is the truth of life. It's strange, but true. Once you realize this, its never too late to change."

"Don't make promise when you are in joy. Don't reply when you are sad. Don't take make decision when you are angry. Think twice... Act Wise."

"Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life..."

"First i was dying to finish my high school and start college.
And then i was dying to finish college and start working.
Then i was dying to marry and have children.
And then i was dying for my children to grow old enough so i could go back to work.
But then i was dying to retire.
And now i'm dying.
And suddenly i realized i forgot to live.

Please don't let this happen to you. Appreciate your current situation and enjoy each day."

2009-04-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

2009-04-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Anxiety disorders are often debilitating chronic conditions, which can be present from an early age or begin suddenly after a triggering event. They are prone to flare up at times of high stress and are frequently accompanied by physiological symptoms such as headache, sweating, muscle spasms, palpitations, and hypertension, which in some cases lead to fatigue or even exhaustion.

Although in casual discourse the words anxiety and fear are often used interchangeably, in clinical usage, they have distinct meanings; anxiety is defined as an unpleasant emotional state for which the cause is either not readily identified or perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable, whereas fear is an emotional and physiological response to a recognized external threat. The term anxiety disorder, however, includes fears as well as anxieties. Indeed, phobias (fears which are "persistent or irrational") constitute the majority of anxiety disorder cases.

2009-04-21T11:01:00.001-07:00

Super nice!

2009-04-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Jen's 23rd birthday celebration

pretty photos to share. rip from solomon's photo album.

2009-04-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

i love this show a lot.
it's one that i will watch it again and again from time to time.

guess it's because it's a show that shows how the couple met, become friends (or enemies i dun know), go through dating to marriage life. Most shows usu end of at dating.

i like to see how the couple went through and overcome the challenges and crisis in their marriage life.

Sometimes i wonder how is it like when i get married next time?
[Pls dun laugh, if u r a girl i m 99% sure you have thot of every single detail of your wedding and marriage too. ;p)

Will i really be pretty on the day i get married?
( my specs is a very big concern for me. :x)

Will i be able to serve my husband, children the way my mom did?
[ She's quite a high standard for me to reach, until now i confess i still abuse her. lol)

Jeff shared in the course to have JOY in serving is to put Jesus, Others before Yourself.

I think for marriage and your whole life to have JOY is to put Jesus, Other Half before yourself.

Random thots. And pls dun come and tease me that i m desperate or eager to get married now like today. I just wan to share some of my thots after watching the drama.The wedding is not going to be today so relax and keep your angpaos first. haha.

And i think it's normal to think about one of the most important event in your life every now and then.

Personally i think i still have to learn A Lot from my mom. She's my ideal model & i love her lots. :)

o well we will take each step a time and enjoy every day for what it is.
Everyday's a day of discovery and learning. :)

2009-04-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

Thesis submitted.
Dr tan just emailed back with his corrections. argh... too late for me to change now...
Remarks: content is good it's the grammar which i m not good at...
hmm well pray for favor and grace.

Fall sick today... didn't study at all. :(
Feeling feverish now.

2009-04-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

A few weeks had passed.
and i would say sometimes i dread the passing of the day.
sometimes i still find it hard to accept
sometimes i try to pass it off with something else.

people sometimes choose to move to another place
because it might remind them too much
it's true.
i dun wanna sound weak
but in some ways i m.

Cel bought a book a for me
called the Shack.
about a man's real life encounter with God.
if it's true i think it's really inspiring in many ways.
Firstly the man is a person whose daughter got abducted
and murdered in a shack while they are on a camping trip.
Years later, he received a letter from God to meet him
in the shack again.

i didn't read it in details yet but those that i have
simply match the teachings of our church about God.
so i m more confident of the reliability of the story.

I planned to write out a list of lessons i took away
but to cut the long story short. I decided to just share
the biggest lesson.

1) That God will do anything to reach out to you and to show you He loves you.

Another one is that
2) He is more interested in relationships than the religiosity of the world and just because He can make something good out of a tragedy doesn't mean He's the source of them.

He's a good God.
i just hope my tears can stop flowing at times.

2009-04-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Din really take any much pictures...
maybe can take more when i have the chance?

Mandy and i were having our fyp presentation that day. the rest had theirs the day before. This explain for the difference in our dressing ha.

i was rehearing my presentation to them...

though i was always out in other labs and not in there most of the time because having to rush to hospital... i really had a great time talking and laughing with them. they are friendly and helpful and one of the best times we have is in telling each other our sorrows faced with our supervisor and the project.

I will miss them!

2009-04-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Last week I was thinking abt this week is very xiong.

2 important presentations and their papers to be submitted.
my fyp is worth 4 modules and my ism one module
so together they are a semester's work.

Both presentations are over (even tho fyp presentation is a bit drama)
my final draft of thesis is done... awaiting for Dr tan's comments back
(hope everything is ok) and my ism paper is almost done.

I wonder how I did all these.

2009-04-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

Susan Boyle on Britains Got Talent 2009!! Incredible Voice!! @ Yahoo! Video

One of the biggest news online now.
I think we all need courage to live out an fulfilling life. :)

2009-04-15T01:23:00.000-07:00

i wan to get a NLT bible. think the translation is easier to understand for that bible. Yesterday I was really down because the pressing pressures of work and my laptop. But Chunli and WX came down to help me out once again using the skills they learnt in school.

I think they are really the 'Condor' Heroes (in chinese).

i m also grateful to those who tried their best to help me. (Jeff, Matt, simon, pengboon, Dear etc)

Just finished my last ISM presentation. Thesis presentation is brought forward to tomorrow. :X

God places angels ard me. :)

2009-04-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

At times like this i really felt very overwhelmed.
i really tried my best to juggle with the loss of my father, my fyp and ISM submission of both thesis and presentation and other many things.
but my laptop has to crash at 7 plus today.
and i have a pressing presentation done on wed...
and the new stuff i haven't done a backup.

somehow at that moment
that seems like a breaking point for me...
like i felt that i m trying my best to do with all these things...
and yet something like this has to happen on the day before i need to give an important presentation.

i understand that i need to remain positive
but the pressing pressure of the fyp & ism submission is still there
it's like before i can overcome my loss, i m forced to go into another mode...

2009-04-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

these 2 wks have been super stressed.

with Easter, EPT for MOE, my ISM (headache!) and FYP all due in this coming week. -.-'
i need a break.

then again i m faced with a tough decision to make.
1 or 2? tat's the qn.
i m speaking in parables...
but in the meantime...
i m really tired and stressed for this week.

2009-04-12T07:35:00.001-07:00

Some time ago i made a post for the sale of my laptop
i was tking in my heart
dun know whether got ppl wan a second hand laptop
but tk God i had 3 offers so far...
i din raise the price or wat but honor my promise of the price in
giving to the first offer.

but tks for all those who made an offer!

2009-04-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Time check: 12:36am

Sometimes i really feel very tired & sick
of facing my laptop...
to thesis, an ISM paper that i really felt discouraged over
the many emails that i sent out to my lecturers for an extension of their assignments.

I find myself to be more cynical & critical about things.
i think beneath the smiling face sometimes is a heart that screams i m stressed and i miss my dad and i m really scared of many things now.

But all in all...
I will learn to put them in God's hands.
It doesn't look easy but
i will learn. :)

must have a bigger heart to love those ard me
must learn to be more happy. :D

although i had no idea how yet
but i will cross out my hw one by one...

2009-04-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

I think i really do not have the aptitude for my ISM.
I can only bite my teeth and struggled on...
and faced all the criticisms

Sigh...

I want to leave NUS...

2009-04-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

1 wk had passed...
hmm i still find it hard to accept that he is not here anymore.
mummy urging me to cut off his hp line
= i have to delete his contact from my phone.
A practical action to do
but somehow...

During Asia Conference, Benny Hinn mentioned that God's calling comes first.
Therefore he is not 'married' to his wife but to the ministry that God has given to him. John Bevere who came during january mentioned that we will be judged according to whether we have fulfilled the calling that God has given to us.
Therefore it can be seen that fulfilling the calling of God is very important in our lives. But I really wonder is the calling of God really only in the ministry that we are serving Him in?

I always felt that there is more than one thing in life that God has called us to fulfill. And I felt that the greatest calling in our life might not just be the ministry or church that we are serving in. (not that ministry and church are not important)

I felt that our Greatest calling in life is to love and serve our life partner.
Why so? Because apostle Paul once wrote that Husbands love your wives just as Christ love the church and Wives honor and submit to your husbands. Also Jesus said that when a man and woman are joined together in marriage, they are to be as one. He also mentioned that What will a man profit if he gains the whole world but loses his very own soul.

So if you and ur husband/wife is join together as one, it shld means that the soul you shared is now unified and treated as one as well right? which also means if you gain the whole world but loses your own soul(wife/husband) what profit do you really get?

Therefore I do not quite agree with what Pst Benny Hinn implies about putting his wife as the second place to his ministry. (He is still a great man of God in my opinion despite this). Because what good wld it be if you gain the whole world but loses the greatest calling that God has called you in?

In conclusion, i totally agree with Pst Kong that though he loves the church and would die for the church, he still loves Sun more than the church. Because Sun is the greatest calling that God has given to him. To serve her and to love her and of course and vice versa.

Just a revelation i got and purely my personal opinion.

2009-04-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

I felt so Sian...
about all the datelines...
about the absence of my father...

I wanna go shopping
I wanna go overseas
I wanna go watch the movies...

I think i m whinning now... -.-'

2009-04-01T06:50:00.001-07:00

I am thinking of selling my Asus W7 series laptop away.
It's about 1 year old now and it's black in colour.
Thinking of selling at ard $600.
Ant takers? haha

2009-04-01T01:02:00.000-07:00

I felt haunted.

Everytime i close my eyes, i see the last few moments of my dad before he died.
i wondered could i have done more for him to live longer.
my mind is full of what would he be doing now if he is alive.

i need to let it go.

2009-03-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am grateful to the people ard me as well.
And there are some whom I felt properly to ack.

the cg and serene and donny and weixiang
for taking care of my bro.

Beatrice (who came for all 3 days!), Ade, Jeff
whom have been seeing me through ever since
dad got sick.

& of course Dear
whose love, strength and commitment has been amazing. :)

2009-03-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

Today we sent papa on his last journey.

My cousins, aunts and some relatives cried.
They are sad possibly at the thought of not seeing my father again
or maybe just for us.
But we are the ones who had to live with the absence.
There weren't much major events in our lives
it's the little daily activities.

I hope he can go to his favourite places now
with strength, with money, with health
No need to eat all those drugs,
no need to feel weak.

I miss him.

2009-03-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

When You're Gone lyrics

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I will always miss you.

2009-03-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

2009-03-27T01:54:00.000-07:00

Pa I kept my promise. We brought you home.

2009-03-26T00:44:00.001-07:00

2009-03-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

I told myself someday I would give the award of the
most Idiotic doctor to dear Dr Khoo W.H. of SGH.

2009-03-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

am watching 最美丽的第七天 now.

It is actually a rewatch, have watched it online last year.

Last time i cried because the guy was so faithful to the girl who was dying.

Now i cried because how the girl suffered of the side effects of the treatment and how the family supported her through it.

有能力的人才能照顾更多的人 ~ 江植树

I am going to start to learn
1) sign language
2) photo shop and video editing
3) cooking.

2009-03-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hmph

I felt like Grumpy the dwarf nowadays. Easily grumpy.

Time check: 1:03 am

Hair is still wet as I just came back from the hospital not long ago.
Papa is not doing very well for now. :'(
can only pray for him and help in little ways.

Sometimes i wish i have a car and i know how to drive.
this would make all the travelling a little more easier.

I kind of like things in pink now.
was telling dear i wan to buy the pink Toshiba laptop and the pink Lenovo mini, portable laptop. but of course i dun have the money.
can only continue to dream haha.

2009-03-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

I shld go on a tv, youku, facebook and youtube FAST.

My thesis and ISM paper is causing my head to be big...

2009-03-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

hi

i was quite excited to see that my fren actually has a business!
she makes her own jewellery and have a stall in NUS this week.
It's really quite nice and for those who want to take a look
can go and see her stuff at

www.lovegoround.blogspot.com

2009-03-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

I wonder how will it be like after I have submitted my FYP (thesis and presentation)
and info theory work.

Supper happy I hope! :)

One of the rare times in my life that I would rather study for exams and tests then do FYP and info theory.

2009-03-14T08:21:00.001-07:00

Love this song to bits.

2009-03-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

Received the commencement ceremony letter from NUS.
Although convo is optional and I am not known to attend school activities,
I want to attend the convo! Because it means I have finally clear my
long long years of education.

2 years of kindergarten
6 years of Pri,
4 years of Sec
2 years of JC
& 4 years of Uni
= 18 yrs!

Not including the 1 yr of edu at NIE after i grad from NUS.
I hope on that day, dad and mom can come, dear can come, and my good frens as well.
Hopefully Nianying and I graduate on the same day also.

Sigh but before that I have to clear my FYP, presentations, tests and term paper and quiz and projects. -.-'